Thursday, February 09, 2006

My Aching Ovary

Well, we finally decided to go and try for another baby. Of course we begin with the dreaded Clomid, as I have not had regular cycles or ovulation since Jack was born 17 months ago. So the Dr. ordered up a high dose round of the rage inducing chemical, (it took many rounds at low doses last time to figure out that I no longer responded to them). I went for my follicle scan on Tuesday and we saw 2 great prospects. Two follicles of 20mm and 24mm. The consensus from the doctor was that I would more than likely release both within the next 12-48 hours. So it begins. I forgot how much I hate the whole timed-sex thing. I feel an immense amount of pressure to get my husband's mind off the whole baby-making thing and onto the more fun aspect of it. It feels forced and awkward to have to schedule this stuff. Of course at the same time in 2 of my classes we are watching videos and learning all about conception and fertilization and how the process works. It pisses me off how they spend very little time talking about how it doesn't work for lots of people, how small the difference between favorable conditions and an impossible environment is. Not talking about the problems that can happen is what makes infertility so lonely.
My sore aching abdomen is begging for relief so I am off to a hot bath.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I win!

I so unnerved Dingleberry with my refusal to eat, and non-yelling statement that he left work to bring me Japanese food for lunch. Hey are almost completely husband-trained.

I should start my own business...husband obedience classes.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


It's been quite some time since I've been here. School and kids has had me running in a thousand directions at once. I love reading other people's sites. I am in awe of their ability to keep their sites going inspite of the constant rigors of daily life.
Rhiannon had her first sleep over last weekend. Her best friend C. came over and we went to see Chicken Little (worth the $) and then the girls camped out in Rhi's room. They had a blast. Although I was completely unprepared to hear 2 five year old girls giggling and whispering about boys in the backseat! I thought I had a few more years to get ready for that.

I'm a little pissy tonight because I wanted Japanese food for dinner and "The Man" says we don't have the money to go and get it. So I am being a baby and deciding not to eat anything...I am going to bed hungry. (That'll show him!) Right. Whatever.

He asked what I would do if the situation was reversed and we had no funds but he was jonesing for Japanese food. I said I would scrounge it some piggy banks if I had to, I'd get an overdraft fee for him, guess I just love him more!

I'm off to bed to sleep away my Japanese jones...maybe it will be gone tomorrow

Saturday, October 15, 2005


I try.
Those two words apply to everything in my life. Two more fit perfectly: I fail.
I never feel like I am enough. I'm not what everyone wants me to be. Not what anyone needs me to be.
I put on a great show. Kind of like a Monet, from a distance I seem perfectly put together. But the closer you get, the more imperfections you can see. I can smile and laugh with the best of them. I only break in private. Living this way makes me tired, so very tired. Sometimes I wonder if everyone else feels like this. If they all are putting on these masks, keeping the fear carefully concealed.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Blood, Sweat and Sperm

I find myself thinking more and more lately about adding another member to our LOUD household. I know I want another baby, I've talked my favorite sperm donor into the idea now I need to settle on when to start trying. I say this like I am just going to say "Hey let's get pregnant!" and *poof* it's done. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that for me. Having a baby involves, medication and temperatures and doctors and needles. Oh and sex...sometimes I forget about that part! It will more than likely take at least a year to be successful...assuming it will be. I know people who struggle with infertility consider don't consider someone like me one of their kind. I have 3 beautiful children, who am I to ask for more? Wanting another child and not being able to just have one is a different pain than trying for your first. Even so, it is painful to want something that comes so easily to others and seems like such a huge obstacle for us. I feel like my family is not complete, there is still someone missing.
When I was pregnant with Jack we decided not to find out if he was a boy or girl. We had one of each and really were just happy to be having another baby. I spent nine months alternately dreaming of my new little son or daughter whichever it happened to be. We picked out names Jackson for a boy, Gracyn for a girl. And on the big day when he was born we were thrilled to find we had a new son. However in the days after his birth I found myself grieving for Gracyn. Which I considered to be so odd seeing as how she never existed. Had Jack been a girl I would have grieved for the boy that wasn't. I knew I was only having one child but I wanted both of the babies I had imagined.
Which leads me to a new obsession. Will I be disappointed if our next venture lands us a third son? I don't think so, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Things That Shouldn't Exist

1. Those motorized shopping cart things at W*# M!@T. If you have that much trouble walking wouldn't you have your own?

2. Ugly Twins

3. Gilbert Godfreid

4. Sugar-Free Chocolate

5. Play-Doh

I'm sure I'll be adding to this later when my brain isn't so fried.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Pictures of my "demon spawn"!

Here is my little stud! He is one good looking football player!

This photo made her daddy's throat tighten and a few gray hairs emerge!

And finally my baby, who got his table manners from daddy's side of the family!